"To My Achilles Heel" and "An Empty Heart" - A Preview to My Autobiography



To My Achilles Heel:

I am in love. I find myself drowning in a love neither gratifying nor explainable, but it cannot be helped, for it is the first time I have ever truly been in love. I fell in love with a corrupted knight in rusted armor, a man not worthy of my compassion. His name was Robert and I can do nothing but suffocate in his memories, rendering me a victim of his nonchalant actions and his cruel ways.

You may think that I am being overly dramatic, that perhaps I am making this out to be more than it is. But if you had been there to witness his lips locked with hers, and if you had seen the way his eyes never left her, perhaps you would understand why my heart snapped in two the way it did.

I always knew that Robert had his faults, and I knew that some of his faults should have caused me to walk away, but I never did. Even after being faced with some of the most trying of circumstances, I still remained faithful and dedicated to the word that I had given.

I gave him everything and I continually allowed him to stand mightily on his shining pedestal the way that he wanted to. I know now that if I had taken him down from that pedestal long enough to see him true colors, things might have turned out differently. Then I could have found the strength to walk away. However, it was likely that I wouldn't have, simply because I lacked the strength it took to do so.

Everyone warned me, but their warnings became obsolete to me, as I had muted them with the hopes of letting him educate me with his ways. I couldn't bring myself to take the word of a stranger that could possibly force me to believe a false truth. In the end, I did learn. I learned that a worthy heart had no place in the hands of a filthy wanderer out to spill innocent blood.

Robert began to show his true colors more and more the deeper I delved into the relationship. All I could do was try to shut it out, to lie to myself, to make myself believe that beneath the clouded, painful reality I then lived in, a rainbow could be found.

The ring on my finger led me to believe that he had given up on the game he liked to play, that he had somehow found it within his power to love and nurture me for what I was. Despite that vague hope, there was always a factor that caused me to appear broken in his eyes. He was under the impression that ordering me to fix my broken self would somehow mend me. Though it only broke me further, most likely beyond repair.

I probably shouldn't have forfeited the chance that I had been given. In fact, I know I shouldn't have. I had an apartment, a home of my own, a chance to make it in the real world, and I threw it away with the hopes of winning his heart. So I left my sanctuary, bound to the beautiful lies that the ring made me believe.

I clung to the future I had built in my mind, but that future came crashing down as their lips locked, and their deceit became apparent.

He told me that it meant nothing, that it was a simple goodbye never to be repeated. My mind told me to flee, but my heart wouldn't let me. I continued to stand out in the rain being soaked by the lies and my own cowardice. My non-existent spine had thwarted me once again.

The night I grew a spine was the night that I realized I meant very little to him, if anything. Maybe Robert really had loved me, but his self-involved nature would never allow him to realize how to treat me the way that I deserved to be treated. And that just wouldn't cut it. So I somehow found it in myself to look into his eyes, despite the tears, and tell him I was through. I told him I was done playing this charade and that I was done having my heart stomped on. I walked away and was condemned in his eyes for it. To him, I was running away; I disagreed. There was nothing to run away from. The tattered ruins of what we had had together only tortured me further. Being in the same environment only made matters worse. So I went home, throwing two hours worth of distance between us, which eased the tension and allowed me to think clearly.

Believe it or not, I look back on it all and smile, not because I liked the pain, but because I am stronger having lived through it. I grew a spine through the torment of it all. Now standing on my own two feet isn't the task that it used to be. Thank you, my corrupted knight. You have allowed your plan to backfire. Now I can stand tall and dismiss your empty purpose. You are nothing but a pathological liar meant to entertain and I see right through you. I have gotten rid of you my Achilles heel, my wonderful plague. Right at this moment, I am walking away from you. This time however, I won't have the slightest urge to look back over my shoulder. I'm done.


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An Empty Heart

I look into your eyes
And I see nothing of comfort
An empty heart
To give me more pain
An empty heart
To throw me out in the rain
An empty heart
To kill me slowly
And an empty heart
To murder the thoughts I never left

I hold the hand of a corpse
A corpse that pretended to be alive
A body of false life
That fooled me with pride
A body of false life
That taught me to run away and to hide
A body of false life
That burned a heart so true
And a body of false life
To help me realize that it wasn't me, it was you

Burn me once, shame on you
Burn me twice, shame on me
A beautiful ring
To rip out my heart
A beautiful ring
To doom me right from the start
A beautiful ring
To end a wonderful dream
And a beautiful ring
To make me break down and scream

Sing to me your evil intentions
Sing to me as I lie on the ground
A broken promise
To haunt me with the decision I made
A broken promise
To make me wish I hadn't stayed
A broken promise
To decay the reality I have come to know
And a broken promise
To mock me with my own woe

Half a tragedy and nothing to lose
I cannot complain, I let him make me choose
Goodbye to the dark
That I closed my eyes and hid in
Goodbye to the dark
That I let him hold my heart in
Goodbye to the dark
I sometimes used to miss
And goodbye to the dark
I now dismiss